Shelve the Gossip

October 27, 2015 by Dori Moody

Someone mentioned “Bumbles” and my friends and I laughed uproariously. “Bumbles” was our code name for a neighbor who was somewhat socially inept and made quite a few mistakes at his job. Once again a friend was passing on yet another juicy bit of gossip. What we had not bargained for was that Grandpa, overhearing the joking, would become involved.

“What’s so funny?” he asked, and I, instinctively knowing that he would not think our joke funny at all, evaded his question.

“Oh, just something someone did….”

“Who is this ‘Bumbles?’” Grandpa asked me loudly.

“Just another name for Timothy,” I spoke casually, “but don’t worry, we never call him that to his face.”

“That’s just the problem!” Grandpa boomed.

Then he turned to us and said calmly, “Never laugh at someone who makes mistakes.”

***

I rocked back on my chair in Oma’s living room and listened to the rest of my family chattering happily. Suddenly we stopped talking because Oma had elbowed the person next to her. She made eye contact and pursed her lips. Then she raised her right hand in front of her lips, pinched her fingers together, and pretended to lock her lips with an invisible key. In a flash, she threw the invisible key over her shoulder and settled herself back on the couch.

“Right,” we all realized, “No complaining about anyone.”

Oma’s English wasn’t great (she was raised in Germany), but she was quick to notice if we painted anyone in a bad light or rehashed old foibles. Immer vorwärts, nie rückwärts – always forward, never backward – was her favorite, often-murmured motto.

***

It is so easy to talk to others about someone else, especially if that person has done something wrong. For some of us, it is not only easy, but almost enjoyable – unless we are the ones being talked about negatively.

At the Bruderhof, we have a rule that all members agree to: we vow to speak directly to each other when something causes annoyance or concern. More than that, we vow to speak in a spirit of love and not in a spirit of anger. It is, in essence, the Golden Rule, because that is how we all wish to be treated. Eberhard Arnold, a founder of the Bruderhof, put this practice into writing in 1925. Many of us hang these words in our homes or workplaces as a daily guide to our personal interactions:

There is no law but that of love. Love is joy in others. What then is anger at them? Passing on the joy that the presence of the others brings us means words of love. Thus words of anger and worry… are out of the question…. There must never be talk, either open or hidden, against a brother or a sister, against their individual characteristics – under no circumstances behind their back.

Without the commandment of silence there is no faithfulness and thus no community. The only possible way is direct address as the spontaneous brotherly service to the one whose weaknesses cause something in us to react negatively. The open word of direct address brings a deepening of friendship and it is not resented.

Even though I know this intellectually – that direct address deepens relationships, and negative talking destroys them – it’s still not easy to look someone in the eye and share a problem, gripe, grudge, or hurt feeling. But because I love Jesus, and because I believe he is present in each person, I try to do it, in love. In the same way, I try to receive each admonition in humility. When all of us do this, such “straight talking in love” becomes a precious gift to our communal life. And I’m lucky to have learned it first-hand, from both Grandpa and Oma.

Dori Moody lives at the Danthonia Bruderhof in Australia, with her husband Henry and their children.